Retire These Singing Ass Aunties

Retire Lauryn Hill

So last week was chocked full of kikis with my real but hilariously funny list of “Singin’ Ass Negroes Who Should Stop.” I believe in equal opportunity shade so of course, I had to comprise a list of singin’ ass songstresses who should retire as well. By the way, these sisters invoke the aunty spirit.

I crowdsourced for inspiration and there were some surprising choices. I was NOT a fan of one and there was a split decision for another singer (although she did make the list).

Here goes nothing.

Retire Keyshia Cole

6. Keyshia Cole- That Young, Cute Aunty Who’s a Mess And She Just Can’t Get It Together

Let me say that I didn’t want her on this list. I like her. She has some legit jams. However, the consensus is she can’t sing. They don’t understand you like I do, Keyshia. I hear the pain in your music but they think it’s painful to hear you sing. It’s wack I know. It doesn’t help that some of your live performances have been on the smelly side of shitty but hey- we can’t be “ON” all the time. I want to see you win. Girl, I do but not the masses. You cute, though!

Retire Erykah Badu

5. Erykah Badu- Your Favorite Hotep Aunty Who Everybody Allows To Sing Because She Sounds Really Smart

Can Erykah Badu retire from singing? I know folks LOVE HUH but seriously- it’s only because she sings “$3 and six dimes” in place of 360 degrees. I get it. No. Really. It’s easy to fall for the faux Billie Holiday-inspired vocals when she is as beautiful as she is. And headwraps must mean she’s talented, right? You can’t just go on stage and perform in a headwrap if you aren’t on point. Finger snaps, nasally falsettos, and Ankara prints will make a believer out of the toughest critic. Obviously.

Retire Mary J Blige

4. Mary J. Blige- That Sharp Ass Aunty With The Man Problems 

Aunty Mary is everything! She comes around with the good candy in her purse and she gives you all of her sharp ass old clothes. Just please don’t ask about your uncle! She will go into that old church hum with the low-key strain in it and start belting out ALL all her problems. Literally a wide-mouth holler.  She “was his lover and his secretary..working every day of the week.” and you are sitting there stuck because you know she doesn’t have many real friends. She cries a little and then goes into party mode with THAT dance because that’s what Aunty Mary does.

 

Retire Lauryn Hill

3. Lauryn Hill- That Aunty Who Thinks Her Shit Doesn’t Stink But She Lost “IT” Years Ago

Next up on the list is Lauryn Hill. Ummm Yeah. The aunty who is pretty much the same age as you but still makes you call her “Ms. Lauryn” or “Ma’am” because somewhere in her mind she has created a larger than life image of who she is based off what she used to be. She was dope back in the day. Today, not so much. And on top of ALL THAT- folks have to wait 1873402094375 minutes to see her perform with no apology. I WISH I FUCKING WOULD.

You know us though.. once we love you, we ride. Well, THEY do. Me? Negative. Girl…Byyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyye!

Retire Alicia Keys

2. Alicia Keys- The Aunty Who Can’t Sing Worth Shit But Everybody Jocks Her Anyway

Oh Alicia! She’s all the young cousins’ pride and joy at the family reunion. Alicia Keys had all the talent  according to them. She sings, plays the piano, tambourine, and the flugelhorn. And she would’ve gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those pesky high notes. *See what I did there?* 🙂

But Grandma can always cut her right back to size. Whenever Alicia begins to tell the world why music is her love and why she will no longer wear makeup, we can count on the matriarch of the family to shut her shenanigans down. Granny will ALWAYS tell the truth and I’m here for it.  *singing to the tune of “Girl is On Fire”* “Thiiiiiis chile should retire… ”

Retire Macy Gray

1. Macy Gray- The Drunk Ass Aunty Who White People Love

She is quirky, funny and cusses like a muhfucka and can’t sing a lick. Her white friends from college convinced her to chase her dream of being a performer and she said, “Fuck it!”

She quit her well-paying job to scream in mics. The stage is her karaoke bar.  Jack and Coke’s are her poison and she is NEVER short on Marlboro Red’s. And if you try and shade her, she will just remind your mama that the man you call “Daddy”- ain’t really your father. Now take that.

There were a couple honorable mentions who can afford to retire as well. We will leave it here for now.

Now enjoy the potato salad!

K.

 

 

 

K. Araújo, a native Detroiter, is a cross between Claire Huxtable, Rosie Pérez and Millie Jackson. Widow, professional dragger of filth and Mami to the dopest Ethiopian EVER, she is the Editor in Chief of "Negra With Tumbao" and a Staff Writer for "The Urban Twist". Keka has been known to shake what her mama gave her, is the hell and high water, an expert salsera and cussologist with a penchant for the finer things in life and is and forever shall be- unapologetically black.
  • Numbah5

    I hate to admit this but NO LIES were told here…even about Mary….I weep.

  • catgee12

    Nothing but truth all up and through this list …

  • Amelia Flowers

    YESSSSSSS!!! Love this list. I’m iffy on a couple. But you hit it on the head!

  • Calvin

    All are correct, especially #1. Store Dull Color sounds like the seagull Scuttle from the Little Mermaid when he was screeching and fucking up songs. NO black person gave her a contract, I’m sure.

  • Manny

    Wow, this is SO TRUE

  • sayiddah bey

    this shit was funny! And the potato salad? Right on point! lol

  • Glo

    I agree about everyone except…shit, I agree with all of these. I wanted to say”Not Lauryn”, but I can’t justify her always late self, the fact that she has no new music (I heard there was some record label mess behind her not putting it new music but still…)