Merry Christmas! Yeeeeah. Many of you are getting ready to go over to your grandma’s or aunty’s house to put the Hulk smash on Christmas dinner, right? Riiiiight! We’ve all had those moments when we’ve arrived at the crib, looked at the spread on the table and realized it was THAT family member who made some of the dishes. FUCK. To whom can I run?
For the record, there IS NO escape. We have to eat that shit for the sake of politeness and not ruining your favorite grandma’s holiday dinner.
There is a list which can be anonymously sent to all family members before ANY holiday gathering, including Christmas, to ensure we are not subject to eating the following monstrosities.
5. Pudding For Dessert
Unless you are 5 and under or 75 and older, pudding isn’t welcome at ANY black family gathering. We don’t DO THIS. Somebody bake something or buy a Patti Pie because if I see this shit, I’m shaking the ENTIRE table. Hmmmpf.
4. Green Bean Casserole… Well, ANY casserole for that matter.
Christmas and casserole are not synonymous. I have just learned that “casserole” is the French word for “shit that white people put in ovens in a Pyrex baking dish.” I have seen this on a few of my black friends’ tables during the holidays. Why? Greens are cheap and good. These new niggas are trying new shit at the holidays. Stick to the tried and true, man.
NOBODY WANTS TO EAT anything with half-ass crunchy onions and creme of mushroom anything in it. Even bacon doesn’t make this better. HELP.
Salad. No ma’am. The only greens I want on my plate better start with collards, kale and mustards. I wish a nigga would even IMPLY that a salad is what’s for dinner. Sir, fuck your diet. I don’t care if you’re vegan. We aren’t doing raw food this holiday season.
And fuck this raw broccoli, celery and carrots with ranch too. *Knocks over the veggie accoutrements and storms out the kitchen*
2. Cornbread With No Sugar
Don’t let me get to your house, see a beautiful, golden pan of cornbread, fix my mouth on this buttery delight and take a bite to see that it is not sweet. I swear to GAWD I’m fighting somebody. Idgaf about Big Mama’s sugar diabetes. A slice of Wonderbread will be perfect for her. Don’t fuck around with my corn bread.
1. Sweet Potatoes or Candied Yams With Marshmallows
Who takes some perfectly good sweet potatoes or yams and fucks them up with marshmallows or cotton balls? ALL YOU NEED IS BUTTER. CINNAMON, BROWN SUGAR AND A LITTLE NUTMEG.
Whose idea was this? Apparently, this culinary abomination started in 1917 by white people.
“Oh shit! These muhfuckin’ candied yams would be lit with some muhfuckin marshmallows!”
Said no slave- EVER.
Anywho, this is the time to celebrate family and life. Enjoy and be safe!