Hey girl. Hey! So you’re Lena Dunham? *blank stare*
We still don’t know you. So I’m almost certain that OD Beckham was even more clueless about who you were and are. But YOU are buzzworthy NOW. You were at the Met Ball along with a shitload of celebrities (I won’t call you a celebrity because I STILL don’t know you but you are somebody to somebody if you were at the Met Ball) sitting next to FINE ASS OD Beckham. Emphasis on FINE. I guess you were taken aback that he wasn’t drooling over you or attempting to get you back to his hotel because you, surely, would have consented to riding “that thang” like the Long Island Express. I feel you, girl. I feel you. Again, OD Beckham IS fine.
Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. And as you sat next to him while he smelled and looked delicious; you thought, “Wtf? Why hasn’t he made a move?”
Since you and I are good girlfriends after one paragraph, I thought I would give you a heads up. Because I want to see you win. Not really. But for the sake of niceties, let’s go with that. Mmkay? Kay.
I don’t know if YOU know this but you are weird as fuck. Not weird like “nerds are winning” type weird. THAT’S doable. You’re the girl who eats yogurt made with her own vaginal secretions type weird. Better yet, the girl who makes “art” with her menstrual blood type weird. I’m sorry. I can’t lie to my “friends”.
And on top of being weird as fuck, you aren’t even good looking. I guess this would be ugly-shaming. You’ll be fine. God forbid there’s a black man on the planet that doesn’t want to sleep with you. I mean- you are a delicate, white flower and all. Perhaps even more delicate than Taylor Swift because at least SHE has the privilege of being a cute white girl. Michael B. Jordan didn’t even want a free grind from your frumpy ass according to your cute little conversation with your cohort Amy Schumer. Apparently in your small privileged mind, these brothers should be more than willing to LOWER their standards by humping you. How mighty white of you.
I can imagine what the fallout would have been had he made a pass at you. THEN, he would have been aggressive, sexist and a misogynistic pig. Make up your mind, Lena. You can’t NOT want to be objectified and then be salty when you aren’t objectified. Exactly HOW MUCH DID YOU DRINK at the ball?
I have you all figured out, homie. You’ve, literally, made your entire career out of trolling. You were a nobody in high school. Kind of obnoxious and nobody really liked you. And your parents validated you being an asshole because you got the shitty end of the “looks” deal. We all can’t be 10’s, right? You can’t be facially-challenged AND be a fucked up person. This isn’t an attack. This is an observation. Woman to woman. “Friend” to “friend”. Help me. Help you.
I say all of this to say- you wanted notoriety. You got it. In all of her glory. Hopefully- the next time, it won’t be at the expense of a man who has no idea who you are.