Newsflash. Malia Obama smokes weed. *fast blink*
That’s not the story though. We know that President Obama used to “puff, puff, pass”. We know that he knows that she knows that he knows that she smokes weed. The Secret Service follows her wherever she goes. Even to Lollapalooza. Duh. An 18-year old Harvard bound black girl, who was subjected to the cruelest of white folks’ antics for the last eight years, should be able to enjoy a doobie like any other American teenager.
I have a funny feeling that while FLOTUS Michelle Obama was side eyeing the black off Malia, the Pres pretended to be all serious while they were with the publicists and the white house press secretary trying to do damage control. No doubt he gave one of his infamous long-winded but charismatic speeches on the consequences of making “bad”choices. Sasha had to listen because the younger sibling ALWAYS gets pulled into the mess and BELIEVE she was all pissy about it. Michelle gave her the mama look and everybody shut up.
Malia was all salty and after the lecture, President Obama gave her dap and hugged her.
Listen, baby girl, YOU are drenched in #blackexcellence. Twerking skills be damned but hey we can’t all drop it like it’s hot.
I have a few things to tell you.
1. Have fun.
2. If you put your drink down, leave it.
3. Find some black friends.
Malia, your white friends will get you in trouble every time. They will throw you under the bus. Snitching goes down in white hoods so don’t get caught slipping in these streets. Your white friends will tell you that you look good while doing offbeat body rolls to trap music. But not your black friends.Your black friends would have had you hip rolling to Bryson Tiller’s “Don’t” like the only skripper.
Your black friends would have said that joint was theirs and you were holding it because they had to adjust their boobs while talking to their mamas on their cellies. Your black friends would have blocked the paparazzi from being in your business because… MIND YO’ FUCKING BUSINESS.
I’m not judging you. You were lit and I loved it. All you needed was a Leiomy Mizrahi head whip and you would have been in business.
So go on carefree black girl. Don’t apologize. We are not mad at you nor are we ashamed. This was one time and it wasn’t like you were sloppy drunk like a certain ex-president’s underage daughter’s or his brother’s drug-addicted daughter. No shade. ALL TEA.
Malia Obama- YOU ARE EVERYTHING.
Just do me a favor though. At LEAST, go back to the South Side of Chicago so you can go to a cookout and take in a “Wobble” or a “Cupid Shuffle”.