Open Letter to Malia Obama: Get Lit

Malia Obama

Newsflash. Malia Obama smokes weed. *fast blink*

That’s not the story though. We know that President Obama used to “puff, puff, pass”. We know that he knows that she knows that he knows that she smokes weed. The Secret Service follows her wherever she goes. Even to Lollapalooza. Duh. An 18-year old Harvard bound black girl, who was subjected to the cruelest of white folks’ antics for the last eight years, should be able to enjoy a doobie like any other American teenager.

But nope.

I have a funny feeling that while FLOTUS Michelle Obama was side eyeing the black off Malia, the Pres pretended to be all serious while they were with the publicists and the white house press secretary trying to do damage control. No doubt he gave one of his infamous long-winded but charismatic speeches on the consequences of making “bad”choices. Sasha had to listen because the younger sibling ALWAYS gets pulled into the mess and BELIEVE she was all pissy about it. Michelle gave her the mama look and everybody shut up.

Malia was all salty and after the lecture, President Obama gave her dap and hugged her.

Listen, baby girl, YOU are drenched in #blackexcellence. Twerking skills be damned but hey we can’t all drop it like it’s hot.

I have a few things to tell you.

1. Have fun.

2. If you put your drink down, leave it.

3. Find some black friends. 

Malia, your white friends will get you in trouble every time. They will throw you under the bus. Snitching goes down in white hoods so don’t get caught slipping in these streets. Your white friends will tell you that you look good while doing offbeat body rolls to trap music. But not your black friends.Your black friends would have had you hip rolling to Bryson Tiller’s “Don’t” like the only skripper.

Your black friends would have said that joint was theirs and you were holding it because they had to adjust their boobs while talking to their mamas on their cellies. Your black friends would have blocked the paparazzi from being in your business because… MIND YO’ FUCKING BUSINESS.

I’m not judging you. You were lit and I loved it. All you needed was a Leiomy Mizrahi head whip and you would have been in business.

So go on carefree black girl. Don’t apologize. We are not mad at you nor are we ashamed.  This was one time and it wasn’t like you were sloppy drunk like a certain ex-president’s underage daughter’s or his brother’s drug-addicted daughter. No shade. ALL TEA.

Malia Obama- YOU ARE EVERYTHING.

Just do me a favor though. At LEAST, go back to the South Side of Chicago so you can go to a cookout and take in a “Wobble” or a “Cupid Shuffle”.

 

K.

 

 

 

 

 

K. Araújo, a native Detroiter, is a cross between Claire Huxtable, Rosie Pérez and Millie Jackson. Widow, professional dragger of filth and Mami to the dopest Ethiopian EVER, she is the Editor in Chief of "Negra With Tumbao" and a Staff Writer for "The Urban Twist". Keka has been known to shake what her mama gave her, is the hell and high water, an expert salsera and cussologist with a penchant for the finer things in life and is and forever shall be- unapologetically black.
  • LaDonna

    My first thought was exactly that, ‘Where yo (real) friends at?’ I was so bothered. I won’t take Malia off the hook either. She KNOWS that there is a whole other standard for black people versus white and then especially for she and her family. We can surmise that she either had a I-don’t-care-moment or that she is naive. The discussions First Lady Obama referred to in her DNC speech let me know she is aware of the extra unfair scrutiny. A very large part of me agrees that she needs some REAL friends black or white. I would further suggest that she watch out for herself. She was in public that photo could have been snapped by anyone. If her public image and reputation is important to HER then she would be advised to indulge behind closed doors. Self preservation is the first rule of nature.

    • Indeed….and we’ve all had our share of dumb moments….I think Malia is aware of the eyes around her. I’m low key excited she was like, “Whatever.”

      She is legally an adult. And in some weed is legal so there was reeeeeally nothing to see.

  • Cleojonz

    When you hear things happen to girls in the news don’t you always wonder what kind of crap as$ friends they have? “I don’t know where she went I last saw her in the bathroom” Who lets a drunk a$$ friend wander off?

    I think about this time YEARS ago was clubbing with my friends and we saw a group of white friends and one of them had on white leggings but whenever she opened her legs dancing you could see what looked like a period stain. Obviously her friends didn’t clue her in. We watched her unaware dancing for a while and then decided we would tell her, and we did. I would never have let my homegirls walk around looking like that.

    I would imagine its really hard for someone like Malia to even begin to weed out real ride or die folks. I hope she takes this experience to heart.

    • Yes!!! And I have a feeling that her ride or dies will not be white.

    • Helga G.Pataki

      I hope she does to. Also let’s keep in mind she’s only 18. “Friends” at that age and (mindset in advanced years Lol) are ornamental not functional.

  • rhymeswithbrucelee

    She needs to take some lessons from Prince Harry and Prince William. They had their friend circle TIGHT