I’s Married Nah. My Banal Existence Before I Met My Husband

married

Day before yesterday, I dropped a very heartfelt post about self-care. For the most part, sisters heard my sentiment loud and clear. One of my boos, Val,  shared the post on her Facebook page and a heated discussion ensued. I am married. It’s no secret. Apparently, a couple of women felt strongly about my post and began to air their family’s dirty laundry. Let’s be clear. This isn’t about shaming anybody.

Married folks have mess. Single people have mess. Moving right along.

They didn’t agree. That’s fine. Here’s where shit went left.  As a married woman, I don’t have to accept shit that my husband does. Hear me out. I love him to death but if he has an affair and has a baby, that’s his problem. Not mine. Your child can’t come over and chill. He/she has a mama. My child will make the decision to meet his/her other sibling when HE or SHE decides. HE WILL NOT impose his foolishness on us.

No.the.fuck.he.won’t. Not today, Satan.

Children are none the wiser so the logic of “it’s not the child’s fault” and “they need to know” are moot points. Unless his family and mistress are equally messy, wives just don’t want to, voluntarily, bring their husbands’ outside kids into their homes with THEIR children. Men, often times, force this fuckery on them.

These women were those children. They spoke of how their mothers were mature and accepted such and such’s kids. Their siblings weren’t close because somebody was mad, etc. They called me petty, spoiled and unreasonable and when I asked if they were married, the fuckshit began.

They were not. Never had been.  Which is fine but their points of view were from the perspective of children being caught up in their daddy’s mess.

married people

They watched their mothers not be protected. And as “nice” as they might have been. They weren’t happy and they swallowed their hurt and anguish “for the greater good” of nothing. And another thing, how does one speak on being a wife when one has never been married? Huh.

How Sway? How?

These women barfed up hotep nonsense about sisterhood and black women while neglecting their mothers’ pain. You don’t get to tell your mama, “Suck it up for the kids.” That’s all mothers ever do is suck it up for the kids. We think it’s amazing to see couples who’ve been married for 60 or 70 years. Just KNOW that wife ate shit because her husband’s ego was fragile as fuck. She accepted whatever hand he dealt her even if she was, constantly, losing. You can see the wear and tear on the wife. The mistress, almost, always looks like she sleeps well at night. So as a child, you’ve not earned the right to tell a wife and a mother what she has to eat. Have a seat.

As the “dialogue” continued, I noticed the mere mention of my husband pissed them off. The discussion turned into “I, only, felt secure because I had a husband.” 

The.mutha.fucking.nerve.

As if this incredible person before you lived a trite ass life before I became a Mrs. And to think my validity and self-esteem could only be attached to a man whom I’ve known for 16 years even though I’ve been on this planet for 42. Marriage does not make a woman valid. Mr. NWT does not complete me. I was a whole woman with goals, ideas, intelligence and a plan before I ever knew he existed. Before I became a mother. Whole people are ok with not accepting any old fucking thing. Not from our husbands, our children or anyone else.

This is less about my husband and more about sisters projecting their feelings of inadequacies on me because I can say, “Fuck You!” and sleep well. How do you become a whole person when the person who raised you didn’t love herself wholly? That’s why it’s easy for me to sound so cool about saying no to someone else’s child with my husband. I matter more to me than him and his child.

Married
Bye muthafucka.

Don’t get it twisted. I’m not hardbody. I love my husband but I do NOT love him more than I love myself. If he decided today that he needed to leave, I would cry and carry on. There’s way more to life than being Mr. NWT’s wife.

My daughter and I are my first priorities. I will continue to prep my daughter to have her own goals and dreams. I will teach her to be “selfish” in the sense of not having to lose anything to gain love or validation. This is the biggest gift that we could ever give our girls.

I can do and be ALL OF THESE things and STILL love my husband.

Thanks for reading y’all!

 

K.

 

K. Araújo, a native Detroiter, is a cross between Claire Huxtable, Rosie Pérez and Millie Jackson. Widow, professional dragger of filth and Mami to the dopest Ethiopian EVER, she is the Editor in Chief of “Negra With Tumbao” and a Staff Writer for “The Urban Twist”. Keka has been known to shake what her mama gave her, is the hell and high water, an expert salsera and cussologist with a penchant for the finer things in life and is and forever shall be- unapologetically black.

  • catgee12

    This and all this!!! Ain’t nobody got time for foolishness … what I won’t do is raise/care about/ deal with any outside kids/side chick baby mamas and bs!!! For what!?!! So that other people can think I am a “good” person??!! GTFOH .. “The way my fuks are set up” … yeah I stole that … hahaha …

  • SB

    Just found your blog through VSB and I’m an instant fan. I’ve been driving 100 MPH down the road of unapologetic blackness and not putting up with bullshit. I’m not married nor a mother (loving auntie, tho) but as a black woman, I’ve heard about the foolishness that my own grandmothers put up with their marriages. My grandfathers were good men, but poor husbands. But this line right here “I will teach her to be “selfish” in the sense of not having to lose
    anything to gain love or validation. This is the biggest gift that we
    could ever give our girls.” Spoke to my soul. We really need to stop telling our daughters/nieces/girls in general that it’s okay to deal with bum ass dudes because “we might get worse if we leave.” Why encourage unhappiness just to say you have a man? Stop stigmatizing being single. It burns me up that black women are the only race of women that get told to settle and put up with disrespect. Not this one.

    • Yaaaaaas! Thank you so much… I was so in my feelings writing this. I was pissed that women actually thought because a woman is married that she believed that she wasn’t important on her own…

  • Hey new boo!

  • Dera

    I’m a longtime VSB lurker and I just found your blog and I love it. If you are called selfish for loving yourself then so be it. Self care is what really matters.

    • Thank you so much my love… I’m all about self-care and love.. it’s a hard pill for some to swallow but they’ll be alright.

  • PriceIsRightHorns

    It’s not being selfish. It’s called not over extending yourself and not putting everyone’s needs before yours so that you don’t flip the f*ck out and end up stressed. If taking care of me is being selfish…well then I’ll be that.

    • Giiiirl!

      • PriceIsRightHorns

        Lol. I need to keep up with your blog on the regular. You dropping bombs on ’em.

        • You can subscribe via email. ????

          • PriceIsRightHorns

            Done!

  • Marriage became a lot more fun when I let go of my need to be perfect to my wife. I had to trust myself to be myself, and trust that my wife would accept me.

    • That’s a word. I’m a hot mess but I don’t pretend that I’m not. I love my husband and want what’s best for us but he already knows what’s off limits. we don’t even discuss it.

  • jolly

    1) Do your sentiments change if he came into the marriage or situationship with a child? In that instance don’t you have to accept the “package deal”?

    2) The premise that is set up of your husband hypothetically having an affair and it producing a child and you even having to contemplate whether or not to accept that child…Doesn’t that come AFTER accepting the “ain’t shitness” that was him having an affair to begin with at all? Do self-respecting (love your self first) women forgive this and move on or just say bye like Tina Knowles? (About to get married here)

    • Congratulations on your pending nuptials.

      I’m no expert. I just know what I’m not gonna do. With that said, if you choose to stay after the affair- you take care of yourself. You will have mfers telling you that since you stayed that you can’t be angry. BULLSHIT. Hell, you can even remind him about it everyday. Choosing to stay with someone you love isn’t synonymous with eating shit. People will try to get you to believe that but NO.

      You should ALWAYS be secure. Get counseling, stack his money and be happy.

      I speak on it here….

      http://theurbantwist.com/2015/10/10/open-letter-elaina-watley-victor-cruz-least-problems/

      I don’t have a problem with people dating other folks with children. You know what you are getting up front.

      • jolly

        You know what? You’re absolutely right. “Choosing to stay with someone you love isn’t synonymous with eating shit.” We have so much unlearning to do over here. Generational curses man…

        • We, literally, PROGRAM our daughters that they have to suffer if they choose to stay.
          Where did that come from?

          Why do you have to suffer because of what’s in your heart? Where is HIS suffering?

          • jolly

            But see, then I just feel like a vindictive bitch who can’t get over ish. Why make him suffer and not just leave and end both of your suffering? lol. As I always say however, I will forgive but not forget. & I shouldn’t feel crazy or off because of that. Thank you!

          • If you want to be a vindictive bitch, go for it..lol

            All I’m saying is. YOU create the terms that you’re comfortable with and you alone.

  • charisma_supreme

    So many layers and levels. Random stream on thoughts below…
    1) is it wrong i wanna see that FB thread? ????????????
    2) i feel like BW have been gamed into viewing acts of self-love and self-respect as “selfish”. Who else would do all the work if they woke up and got standards one day?
    3) ppl assume you had no life before marriage bc ppl hate single people. To be called single is an insult in this world akin to “yo mama”. Ppl doubt grown folks can be whole and content without partnership bc of this hate.
    4) I’ve known ppl on literally all sides of this, and it’s hard to day what I’d do. If i remain the same person i am now, though, i’d prolly chunk a deuce.

    • The blog post was shared by my friend inFB. I didn’t go into full detail on the blog because the words weren’t relevant.. the sentiment was… but this chick kept mentioning my husband’s junk like she owned it, I was like, “you’re more worried about his dick than I am.”

      Hell, worry about the d you aren’t getting and not the one that’s covered… #FOH

      BW have been hoodwinked like mugg…. being all high and mighty while suffering. You don’t have anything to show for your suffering but wrinkles and dried tears and unanswered prayers…There was a news story about a man who died and the wife and sidepiece, BOTH, put his obituary in the newspaper… MAAAAAAAAN, there’s no respect to the game any more.
      Sidechicks thinking that they are equal. BYE!

      Ppl hate single ppl when they aren’t single…I love my single friends but most of my really close Judy’s are married. I mean I know married folks that don’t have sex… like they turn their noses up like you talked about their mama sooooo….

      That ain’t my life though..lol

  • NICUGRAD2016

    Let remember that Grandma ate shit because society wouldn’t let her be great without a man. I know my grandmother when she was alive was smarter and more business savvy than my grandfather ever could be. If she was in her 20s and 30s in this day and age she would have been a real estate mogul and living her dreams. If you want to know the real talk to a woman who 30+ years in the marriage that who can tell me what up not the children of a mistress.