Day before yesterday, I dropped a very heartfelt post about self-care. For the most part, sisters heard my sentiment loud and clear. One of my boos, Val, shared the post on her Facebook page and a heated discussion ensued. I am married. It’s no secret. Apparently, a couple of women felt strongly about my post and began to air their family’s dirty laundry. Let’s be clear. This isn’t about shaming anybody.
Married folks have mess. Single people have mess. Moving right along.
They didn’t agree. That’s fine. Here’s where shit went left. As a married woman, I don’t have to accept shit that my husband does. Hear me out. I love him to death but if he has an affair and has a baby, that’s his problem. Not mine. Your child can’t come over and chill. He/she has a mama. My child will make the decision to meet his/her other sibling when HE or SHE decides. HE WILL NOT impose his foolishness on us.
No.the.fuck.he.won’t. Not today, Satan.
Children are none the wiser so the logic of “it’s not the child’s fault” and “they need to know” are moot points. Unless his family and mistress are equally messy, wives just don’t want to, voluntarily, bring their husbands’ outside kids into their homes with THEIR children. Men, often times, force this fuckery on them.
These women were those children. They spoke of how their mothers were mature and accepted such and such’s kids. Their siblings weren’t close because somebody was mad, etc. They called me petty, spoiled and unreasonable and when I asked if they were married, the fuckshit began.
They were not. Never had been. Which is fine but their points of view were from the perspective of children being caught up in their daddy’s mess.
They watched their mothers not be protected. And as “nice” as they might have been. They weren’t happy and they swallowed their hurt and anguish “for the greater good” of nothing. And another thing, how does one speak on being a wife when one has never been married? Huh.
How Sway? How?
These women barfed up hotep nonsense about sisterhood and black women while neglecting their mothers’ pain. You don’t get to tell your mama, “Suck it up for the kids.” That’s all mothers ever do is suck it up for the kids. We think it’s amazing to see couples who’ve been married for 60 or 70 years. Just KNOW that wife ate shit because her husband’s ego was fragile as fuck. She accepted whatever hand he dealt her even if she was, constantly, losing. You can see the wear and tear on the wife. The mistress, almost, always looks like she sleeps well at night. So as a child, you’ve not earned the right to tell a wife and a mother what she has to eat. Have a seat.
As the “dialogue” continued, I noticed the mere mention of my husband pissed them off. The discussion turned into “I, only, felt secure because I had a husband.”
As if this incredible person before you lived a trite ass life before I became a Mrs. And to think my validity and self-esteem could only be attached to a man whom I’ve known for 16 years even though I’ve been on this planet for 42. Marriage does not make a woman valid. Mr. NWT does not complete me. I was a whole woman with goals, ideas, intelligence and a plan before I ever knew he existed. Before I became a mother. Whole people are ok with not accepting any old fucking thing. Not from our husbands, our children or anyone else.
This is less about my husband and more about sisters projecting their feelings of inadequacies on me because I can say, “Fuck You!” and sleep well. How do you become a whole person when the person who raised you didn’t love herself wholly? That’s why it’s easy for me to sound so cool about saying no to someone else’s child with my husband. I matter more to me than him and his child.
Don’t get it twisted. I’m not hardbody. I love my husband but I do NOT love him more than I love myself. If he decided today that he needed to leave, I would cry and carry on. There’s way more to life than being Mr. NWT’s wife.
My daughter and I are my first priorities. I will continue to prep my daughter to have her own goals and dreams. I will teach her to be “selfish” in the sense of not having to lose anything to gain love or validation. This is the biggest gift that we could ever give our girls.
I can do and be ALL OF THESE things and STILL love my husband.
Thanks for reading y’all!