Facebook Keeps Fronting On My Blue Check

facebook-verified

I am somebody. My mami and daddy said it. My husband says it. Hell, even Jesse Jackson has said it. Well- not to me, personally, but I believed him when he said it so it still applies. Evidently, Facebook ain’t checkin’ my fresh. Verifications are the new way to confirm your celebrity status or relevance.

My favorite boos- Sili and Yanira (like their pages and read their shit btw. THAT’S AN ORDER!),  in blogging have their blue checks so I thought that I was next up on the roster. Because relevance and shit. I’ve done cool shit since I was a youngin’. Facebook’s new verification deal is based on notability.

Facebook- I am Somebody
Facebook- I am Somebody. Where’s my check?

Look here…. I am somebody. I do shit and have done some shit. I am the Michigan Regional Spelling Bee champion of 1987 and I went on to compete in the state spelling bee placing 12th out of 54. I became a media sensation that day when I, kindly, asked if I could relieve myself on local television. No autographs please. My baby sister and I have danced on stage with Rob Base and even chilled on his tour bus before our mami came to pick us up. We were teens and he was mad cool. (Getcho mind out of the gutter) I’ve been on BET and Univision. I’ve seen Alanis Morrisette at the State Theatre with my big sis, LaMonica with no fucking tickets! We dissed the 69 Boyz in Atlanta at Freaknik only to come home and see their video “Tootsie Roll” on “The Box”. We laughed at these dudes. RIP Damisa.

I’m a savage, my nigga. Besides, who determines notoriety? Y’all didn’t know that I was the poo?

“So this is what we’re doing FB? Really?”

I, even,  launched a luxury cosmetics line which was recognized by Essence and The Huffington Post. I’ve done lifestyle writing for an international retailer. One of my biggest accomplishments is dancing less than 20 feet from President Obama and the FLOTUS after my family and I were guests at the Western Inaugural Ball in 2009. All of this is true by the way.

Other notable shit that I’ve done is road tripped to Hampton University in 1994 with $13 and I came home with $41. I make things happen, meng.

I, now, make my living writing content for my own dope blog and a cool news outlet (Shout out to “The Urban Twist” ) but Facebook won’t let a sister live. I am an activist among diasporans. This big ass mouth is good for something. It has talked its way into some dope shit, maaaaan. I have stories.

Do me right Facebook!!
Stank face is in full effect.

I’m truly disgusted that Ambrose, Seth and Scott (the analysts who said I wasn’t worthy of a blue check) turned me down.

Whose palms can I grease? I needs that blue check, meng. Beyonce thinks that I should have one. Shit- even Kanye is catching feelings over this social media injustice. Not really but I know if they read this- they would demand my check IMMEEEEEEDIAAAAATELYYYYY!

The only way that the heavens and stars will be right with the universe is by running that elusive blue check.

THIS is that bullshit. In-damn-deed. I see you Zuckerberg. I see you. Holding a sister down . It’s cool.

But for real though- when do I get my check?

 

K. Araújo, a native Detroiter, is a cross between Claire Huxtable, Rosie Pérez and Millie Jackson. Widow, professional dragger of filth and Mami to the dopest Ethiopian EVER, she is the Editor in Chief of "Negra With Tumbao" and a Staff Writer for "The Urban Twist". Keka has been known to shake what her mama gave her, is the hell and high water, an expert salsera and cussologist with a penchant for the finer things in life and is and forever shall be- unapologetically black.
  • Sili

    MADAM! I CAN’T WITH YOU…LMAO

    Can I request that you put links to some if the outlets that you mention and shit. Cuz…receipts. We gotta start this paper trail for Seth!

  • Val

    Awww @ Little NWT wining the spelling bee. So cute. Wow, you have accomplished a lot. Very cool. I hope fb comes to its senses soon. 🙂 Great post!

    • That’s multiple spelling bees..lmao

      I didn’t wanna run my full resume because I’m humble..but they won’t let me be great..hahaha

      I think I could take Mark in a fight though but in sure he has ninjas ready to take me down so I will just pray to the Facebook Gawd to show me grace.

      Thanks for reading, sis!! ❤