Priority. It’s a rather underutilized word in the English language. In a world full of people who, only, seem to care about “me” and “my feelings”– we need to begin to critically think about the space we give narcissists in our lives.
I, wholeheartedly, believe many people want to do the right thing. That most folks don’t, purposely, set out to be selfish assholes.
Then, there are those who make it their business to take advantage of whomever allows it. These people are Priority #1 for themselves.
And that’s a difficult pill to swallow when you love someone and YOU are willing to build and sacrifice for the greater good of the “team”. Ironically, you’re the only person doing the giving.
A friend of mine was with his lady for a few years. He worked while she stayed at home with their son. He had no problem carrying the load but when he said he needed help and asked her to get a PART-TIME job, she didn’t budge. in fact, she flat out said- NO. Full pause. Where was the mechanism in her brain that should have kicked in and said, “This is the time for me to be a partner.”?
They never married.
But what do you do when you ARE married and you and your family are not the priority?
Here’s what I have learned. Narcissism doesn’t allow the person to think beyond himself or herself. Your tears nor will your pleas move them. Yes, they already know what you need. They heard you the other 47 million times you said you needed something. If they don’t benefit from it, it’s not their problem.
Case and point.
My sister graduated from law school last Friday. I knew I couldn’t miss her walking across the stage. As you may already know, our father died this past January 22nd and our stepfather died in September. Needless to say, this occasion was going to be bittersweet. Going back home for the first time since they both died was harder than I thought it was going to be.
I had arranged with the other contributor of my daughter’s DNA to leave Thursday evening so I could have a full day on Friday with my family. He would stay with our daughter. She had missed quite a bit of school between us going back home barely 3 months apart so she wasn’t going to Detroit with me this time. I’ll be honest. I was a little apprehensive about leaving her with him. And I had actually asked other people before asking him. Damn shame. I know but it is what it is.
We agreed that he would be at our house by the time she got out of school so she wouldn’t have to be alone. This could’ve been a really cool bonding experience between them. Sounds easy enough. I, even offered, to pick him up. He declined. OK.
I was really trying to be cool. I had even offered that he keep my car so our baby wouldn’t be trapped in the house until Saturday. That went to hell quickly.
He calls me at roughly 1:30 on the day I’m leaving talking about meeting him at the terminal so he could just take my car back to the house. I asked why would he do that versus just being at the house and dropping me off at the airport and having Yemi with him. He rambled off some dumb shit and I rescinded the offer and told him I would just pay to park my car.
I get home, chilled with my nena and I packed my stuff to leave. It’s 4 pm. My flight would leave at 6:09. I had to go and guess who wasn’t there yet?
I leave. Get to the airport. Call my daughter to see if her Dad had made it. He had not. He hadn’t even bothered to call her. As fate would have it, the closed the gate to board 2 minutes before because my dumb ass was taking pics of a breastfeeding station. Who needed THAT? I know. I know.
I just want to say that I know that this was divine intervention. I get home by 7 that evening and he. still. wasn’t. there. At that point, I called the sister’s house who really is no blood relation and nobody answered so I proceeded to curse him out on the voicemail. Just like that.
Nigga. YOU HAD ONE JOB! WHY WAS SHE NOT YOUR PRIORITY?
Guess who sauntered into MY crib at 8 o’clock for Daddy duty like he was doing me a favor and NOT like THAT WAS HIS CHILD FOR WHOM HE HAD AN OBLIGATION TO CARE?
I, politely, asked him why was he just getting to my house at 8pm when I talked to him almost 7 hours ago? Lies. It wasn’t polite. I was livid. Anything could have happened. I hadn’t cooked because I “assumed” he would have gotten there early enough to get her something to eat. After all, I should be able to just go home to my sister’s law school graduation and NOT have to worry about if this payaso is going to make sure she’s good.
And remaining true to his narcissistic form, he insinuated that I missed my flight over coitus. Actually , he said it because I just had a trough of penises waiting for me on the way to the airport. Oh and he also said that he didn’t need to be there for her and that he had made it in time enough for her to go to bed. Because he didn’t really care to bond with her. He’d rather be drinking with the problematic patriarch who’s not even HIS father. OH OK.
Here’s what we not finna do! Sir, you don’t get to gaslight me and leave HER hanging. I had already arranged for Yemi to stay with my sister from another Mister. So I told him that he could get the fuck out of my house. I don’t care about your bus ride. I don’t care if the gates of hell were opening and Lucifer, himself, was knocking on my door to take his ass with him. He had to get the fuck out of MY crib.
In being married to this asshole, I have watched him literally make the people who looked out for him take losses.. even financial losses. And NONE of that matters to him. It will be over my dead body that you shit on MY child.
Subsequently, Asshole is in New York this weekend. And that fell on someone else as well. Taking a break from the break he was already taking because he is clearly overwrought with stress from having to take care of his family. Living it up in Timbs and with Heinekens because THAT’S what’s important.
That was sarcasm. * insert Beyonce popping her gum look*
When you call this despicable behavior out, the narcissist will always have a plan that “was going to make you the priority”.
But since you’re mad now- FUCK IT. He or she isn’t going to be accountable or dependable because THEY’VE been wronged. A narcissist will ONLY stick around as long as they are on the receiving end and they will take until there’s nothing left. Typically, they are NEVER the upgrade for their partner.
When I was served with my freedom papers, I vowed to never deal with this type of person again. This has been liberating for me. And when I hear my friends speak of these types in their relationships/ marriages, I keep it real. I TELL THEM TO GET OUT. Leave! Do not make excuses for these people. People take care of what’s a priority for THEM. Make yourself the priority and don’t back down.