The Impropriety Of Black Manhood: Men With Mommy Issues

baby hands manhood

Black manhood is often discussed but never quite broken down into terms in which everyone can relate. It, also,  seems accountability and responsibility have become obsolete in many relationships as well as far as men are concerned.

While the world has, thoroughly,  examined women and their “Daddy” issues, no thought or attention has been given to the many men with “Mommy ” issues. Society, typically, covers up deep-seated issues involving black men and their moms which stem from abandonment, neglect, a mother’s dissatisfaction with her life and choices and lack of a father figure with patriarchal rhetoric of “this is how men are built”.

That’s completely false.

Manhood

 

In a 2010 article from CNN about emotionally stunted men, “Mama’s Boys” were, specifically, referenced.

2. The Mama’s Boy: The most important relationship a guy can have is with his mother. That’s why it’s bad news if that relationship has gone wrong in some way. The Mama’s Boy compares all women to his mother. Whether he hates her or is obsessed with her, he is blind to the fact that he is replaying his relationship with his mom with every woman he gets involved with.

The woman he wants: Someone who is exactly like his mother or exactly the opposite, depending on the nature of the dysfunction. If his mom was coddling and overprotective, he may want you to change his diaper and wipe his nose. If his mother abandoned him, he may be looking for a clingy lady. If his mother expected him to be “the man of the family,” he may be looking for a woman who is helpless and needs taking care of. You get the picture.

Entering manhood is an inevitable rite of passage.

However, many brothers are not equipped with the proper tools to be men. They remain boys even though they’ve physically become men and nobody calls it out. Until now.

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If black women wish to know what type of man they are dating, they have to pay attention to the relationship he has with his mother. The signs are there. Up front.

This is not an indictment of diasporan mothers especially single moms. This IS a brutally honest view of the circumstances which have created an epidemic of “ain’t shit niggas”.

All mothers are NOT created equal and the ability to birth children does not make a mother. A great deal of time and effort go into creating well-adjusted, loving men. We shouldn’t pretend that mothers don’t abandon their children. And abandoning sons doesn’t have to mean leaving physically and not returning. Abandonment can be as simple as working a ton of hours outside the home to escape, needing a drink daily to be functional while neglecting the needs of her children or passing her time with males other than her son/sons. Then add coddling due to feeling guilty and it’s a disaster waiting to happen.

I’m sorry but NO WOMAN signs up to have gang of kids with NO help from their fathers. And I get it- some mothers are doing their best. And quite frankly- with this new breed of bitch ass niggas, her best isn’t good enough. Unfortunately- the wives, baby’s mamas, girlfriends and even daughters are on the receiving end of his projected anger, selfishness and resentment.

And WE suffer for it. Present company included.

We suffer while manboys hop from woman to woman looking to be taken care of. Because their mamas didn’t do it. Sisters continue to have babies with these same “men” who flatout refuse to be responsible for their children, their women or themselves.

We pacify temper tantrums from grown men who are unable to communicate effectively because as children, simple trinkets shut them up.

Moving into manhood, those same actions are now bigger and more often than not- the trinket has now turned into Jordans or a car. And the expectation is that women play mama. Hell, these troubled souls aren’t even ashamed about being breastfed.

Let’s not forget about the serial cheater. This man may have seen his mother put men who were not his father above him. He may have seen his mother getting down with a bunch of different men. What do you think that does to the psyche of a young boy? It’s safe to assume that he has subconsciously told himself that “all women are hoes..like his mama”.

He wouldn’t call his own mama a hoe though. Because as fucked up as she, seemingly, is/was- that’s STILL his mother. But he would SURELY call the other women in his life everything but children of God.

Mothers, directly, affect the types of relationships their sons have with women. Many brothers need professional help and many are walking through life with blinders on not caring at all about the women they hurt. It’s time that we start putting the “man” back in manhood. It’s been missing for far too long.

 

 

 

 

 

K. Araújo, a native Detroiter, is a cross between Claire Huxtable, Rosie Pérez and Millie Jackson. Widow, professional dragger of filth and Mami to the dopest Ethiopian EVER, she is the Editor in Chief of “Negra With Tumbao” and a Staff Writer for “The Urban Twist”. Keka has been known to shake what her mama gave her, is the hell and high water, an expert salsera and cussologist with a penchant for the finer things in life and is and forever shall be- unapologetically black.

  • cyanic

    I want more. You stopped. This should be a series. We need a yearly conversation about how our parental environment shapes us. Black people are always experiencing double trauma due to anti-blackness domestic and abroad coupled with the stuff all humans go through.

    • yes!

    • I did stop… I kept it general but the inspirations were from people who are close to me. I didn’t want to put them out there like that. I’ve had the conversation with them.

      There are more men than we are willing to admit are affected by this. And honestly- we make ALL BLACK MOTHERS MARTYRS NO MATTER how shitty they are. THAT NEEDS TO STOP TODAY. Every black mother isn’t good… In fact I know some fucked up mothers so much to the point I wonder how they even have their kids. My soon to be ex-husband’s famikly- SPECIFICALLY comes to mind. Like they are a clusterfuck.

      Well that’s not my problem anymore but I sure as hell don’t want to deal with the mess some other broad made. I don’t care who it is.

      • cyanic

        Our mothers are everything to us. Even when they’re flawed they’re still mama. A former friend of mine shut me down real quick when I brought up the fact his mother was antagonistic to me in boyhood. Black boys rarely hate their mothers and when they do they might as well love them to death because the behavior is no different if not more intensified.

        • This is true… black boys rarely “hate” their mothers but in turn hate women in general because of them. I’d rather they hate the source, go to therapy and leave that toxic bullshit where it belongs- AWAY FROM US.

          • SilkOne

            That’s my ex-husband’s whole story. Except his parents have been married for 52 years. No matter, same outcome.

  • NonyaB🎯

    AKA “Why prepaid therapy needs its own line item on the reparations bill”, part 1. Move ovah, Iyanla! N-W-to-tha-T about to be fixin’ some lives outchea.

  • shirley

    hi negra am 50-50 with this post i agree that mothers are very important to the boy but where is the father to cut down the shit from aint shit mamas ,i think most men have abandon their morals and their children and then sons then have to deal with skewed parental directions from their mamas hence the word mummies boy he probably hates his mummy and daddy and himself being in the middle he has no choice but to act like a baby none of the parents thought of making him to be a man

    there are also daddies boy men who turn out to be like their fathers depending on how the father was,if the father was controlling he might be that or against it,abusive ,cheat same M.O ,if the father was easy respectful he might turn out to be that etc

    i guess balance is needed mummies boys are that cz fathers dont exist
    daddies boys are that coz perhaps the mothers are weak in a way

    congrats-hope its the right word-for leaving that son of a gun,i wish my parents divorced 32years plus of dealing with aint shit behavior and fakeness has me disgusted with both of them(which i am working out),i could write a story but am glad you left trust me your daughter will respect you more ,i wish more women did it, ten years plus in marriage is not easy leaving but kudos to you for believing in DOING YOU first

    • That’s a totally different thing that we run into the ground. THIS IS SOMETHING VALID AND REAL TOO.

  • Darryl Clark

    As a grown man, not raised by his mom, raised in several different households, foster homes and other family included, you are only speaking to a small section of black males, yet generalizing. I know, nothing is to be taken as “all” but that is how this, although well written, biased article comes off.

    There are indeed a lot of men that look to be taken care of, but I don’t believe it comes directly from ‘mothers’. It’s definitely the fathers also, they play a huge role in this, even though they played a very minor role in raising the child.

    I believe, no research was done on my part, just experience, that a lot of black males feel like it’s nothing out here for them. Not EVERYONE goes to college and gets a degree, WEB DuBois Talented 10th assessment still reigns true from my perspective.

    Now first, I think the men you are talking about are the ones with a high school diploma at best. Now, years ago, our parents and their parents, could get a ‘menial’ job and work their way up to a well paying job. Case in point, my father started as a porter at a restaurant as a high school drop out and made his was to head chef in about 7 years time. He made a great living when I was a child before I went on my personal ‘diaspora.’ My mom was also a high school drop out and a stay at home mom. I remember having a GREAT childhood up until age 5 when my parents both took turns for the worst.

    Anyway, for black males, and some white males who are now feeling like their privilege has all but dissolved and turned to Trump, there is no ‘work your way up’ anymore. If you start as a poster these days, you are probably going to STAY a porter. There are no huge factories building things anymore, these were jobs that drop outs and high school grads could get and eventually become managers and lead there family somewhat financially successfully.

    Now, back to these guys, black males specifically, there is very little for a high school grad other than customer service. And, these males don’t thrive in those roles. They need something to put their hands on. There are tons of warehouse jobs but they are backbreaking work for no money or benefits and they come and go bc the workforce is so plentiful. These days, where most jobs for high school grads are customer service, who do you see thriving? Black women. Its crazy, I’m part of that high school grad some college crew and I spent most of my years working for black women who were bitter and terrible towards me (thats another story) until I was able to find my niche and flourish. But it did take a while for that to happen for me. It wasn’t the 7 years it took my high school drop out father.

    However, most high school grad black males haven’t made it as far as I have. Then, one of the REAL issues is how kids are being raised. Black male grows up getting a bday party every year regardless of his behavior, trinkets (Jordans and clothes) regardless of behavior from single mom and absentee dad. So when they are 18 and grown, how do they keep that up without a job that pays well? They either stay home and buy what they want, or latch onto that black female that thrives at Verizon.

    Now understand, single moms and abandoned kids have been around since slavery. That isn’t necessarily the issue. It’s more the world we live in. How to change it? More education. Not college per se, but trades. There was an article I read a couple years ago saying mechanics are dwindling, certified mechanics that is. Those types of jobs that need certs like plumbers and such are dwindling in numbers. That can help. Also, lets stop giving our kids these extravagant bday parties and prom send offs. You don’t need a DJ to send your child off to prom. This just creates a child that feels as though they deserve without any kind of work. And who suffers most in our society? Black males.

    Sorry so much, just found your blog and I kind of love it. Keep at it.