Singing Ass Negros Who Should Stop Singing

Singing ass Trey Songz

Black folks have singing on lock.  We sing it all from opera to spirituals and we have some talented muhfuckas too. Jill Scott, Jessye Norman, Prince, Michael Jackson, Solange, and the rest of the #blackexcellence crew feed our souls when they opened their mouths. There’s them and then, there’s this group.

To be fair, I do understand that people’s preferences are personal so before somebody calls me crazy- HEAR ME OUT!

(I mean you ARE reading this so my word MUST mean something.)

6. Trey Songz a.k.a. “The Falsetto Yodeler”

*in my Viola Davis voice from “The Help”*  Trey is fine and Trey is important. But he should NOT sing. EVER. He, legit, makes great songs. Whoever writes for him gets props. Whoever is in the studio with him when he records, needs a damn raise. The falsetto yodel, I can’t do. No puedo.  I mean where is this negro’s peoples from? Are there hood niggas in the Swiss Alps? I have questions.

And why come HE is the go to guy for tributes to legends? There was that debacle of an “homage” to Prince (RIP) and then that “thing” for Al Green. I just need him to take his shirt off and be fine. Yes, Trey…just be fine.

In this Jan. 25, 2011 photo, R&B recording artist KEM poses in Detroit. (AP Photo/Paul Sancya)

5. Kem… Fight Me! 

Yes Kem. I tried to love him. There are so many reasons why I should. His backstory is incredible. He is, also,from my hometown of Detroit.  I am so glad he made it but his singing annoys me to no end. It feels like he’s scatting every word. Scatting is a talent. No lie but my spirit won’t let him be great. It’s petty. I know. I bet he scats when he places orders for chicken in the Popeye’s drive-thru.

“Bedoop bah bah 3 piece chicken meal with boobeeboobeedoop breast and a dow dow bisquuuuuiiiiit!”

Again, he’s from Detroit so I will leave it there.

4. The Weeknd a.k.a. “This Nigga Got Prahlems”

Let me FIRST say that “Wicked Games”  was my shit. I have his first trilogy. I felt it in my soul, bro. It felt like he was on the ONLY coke-binge and he was in his feelings and needed to release some shit. But Abel (his real name) is you done or is you finished yet , my nigga? How can you be on a six year coke-binge still singing about Eurotrash chicks in hotel rooms? Grab a Bustelo and get your shit together!

singing

3. Maxwell a.k.a “The Samson of Neosoul and R&B”

Listen here…when Maxwell came out in 1996, a feeling rose in my loins. The hair, sultry vocals, the saying my name when we spoke on the phone…. (that last part is a lie but it happened in my mind), I couldn’t get enough. I even dug his sophomore album although many didn’t. Something happened. Something major. He cut his hair and I am convinced that’s why his music went to shit. His mane was an intrinsic part of his sensuality and talents. Basically, he needs to grow his hair back because he’s wack now.

singing

2. Jeremih a.k.a. “My name is spelled dumb as hell and how did I end up with a recording career?”

When “Birthday Sex” dropped, chicks lost their minds. Like literally- there were heffas running around the dance floor, spilling their Cosmos and shit because this whining ass nigga’s opening line was, “It’s yo birthday, so I know you want to ride oooooooooooooout”.

singing

He can’t sing and he isn’t even really cute but he has hits. I don’t understand how though. And “Oui” was bae’s jam. Don’t judge him even though I did. He was getting his “grown man in his suit and tie” on. His single with 50 cent made my ass itch. Like, I think it was an allergic reaction. I need Jeremih to go find the rest of the letters in his name and keep off my radio.

singing

1.  Ray J a.k.a. “Jack Of All Trades Until Something Sticks”

So I’m not going to go for the obvious shade. We know that he’s Brandy’s baby brother. He took a couple of shots at singing. Evidently, The Norwoods didn’t pass the vocal prowess gene on to baby boy. Ray has had a scooter line, a sex tape and one wish and I just want peace.  Hopefully, married life has settled him down. I do think he’s likeable.

“Wait a minute!”

Naw, I’m just fooling he’s cool but he can stay out of the studio and I mean that shit.

Honorable mentions are Alicia Keys, Michelle Williams, and Lauryn Hill.

 

 

 

 

K. Araújo, a native Detroiter, is a cross between Claire Huxtable, Rosie Pérez and Millie Jackson. Widow, professional dragger of filth and Mami to the dopest Ethiopian EVER, she is the Editor in Chief of “Negra With Tumbao” and a Staff Writer for “The Urban Twist”. Keka has been known to shake what her mama gave her, is the hell and high water, an expert salsera and cussologist and is and forever shall be- unapologetically black.

  • Numbah5

    I was with you with this WHOLE list until Maxwell…Ready to take my earrings out, pull my hair back and put some Vaseline on my face to square up with ya…then I read your argument, considered it and had to concede that no lies were found…

    Honorable mention to “Bad Habits” mainly cause my girl Kerry Washington was the video girl de jour on this….

    • Seeeeee…. Maxwell had us falling for the okey doke with that Caesar/ Fade… Fasar.. chile, I can’t call it! THIS woman’s work is done… Kerry Washington low key annoys me and I don’t know why..lmao

    • Lex

      Bad Habits is my SONG

  • Lex

    waiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttttttt now you know i love you to DEATH but you came for Kem AND Maxwell?? I cannot have this!!!

  • Kullervo

    JESSYE JESSYE JESSYE

    (Sorry, you sent up my bat signal. When anyone even breathes her name I need to watch this video)

  • Val

    I def have a love/ hate thing with Kem’s music. I mean, during the playing of any of his songs I go back and forth on whether his voice is annoying or nice and soulful.

    Maxwell tho?

    I agree about Ray J.

    • Maxwell AFTER THE HAIRCUT… he ain’t been the same.. “Pretty Wings” is FINE example of that.. lmao

  • Mary Burrell

    This is funny but you coming for my dude Kem just hurts my soul. But that’s okay we all have our opinions I still love to read you.

    • Lmao!!! I lightweight came for him because he’s from my hometown and he was homeless and changed his life… but y’all know his through the nose singin’ ass has GOT TO GO! LOL Merry Xmas, Sis!! <3

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