As a millennial-passing Gen X-er with a teenaged daughter, I’ve seen my fair share of new niggas and I have random thoughts. Lots of them. It’s not because I am trying to be the cool mami who knows about all the latest and greatest new nigga shenanigans. It’s a legit fascination of the aesthetic shift of what’s considered to be hot today.There’s also the incessant need to share and trend as much new nigga shit as possible. I get it. Nobody wants to hear the old head ramble on about who was the “bombdiggity” waaaaay back in the 90’s or the early 2000’s. Although, L.L. can STILL get it and he is 86 years old.
“Praise the Lordt!” *church waving like I’m saved* Yes, I’m a heathen. Fight me.
But what’s good with these new niggas? Ain’t what’s good. Why new niggas? WHY?
5. The Extreme Enthrallment With Huge Fake Butts Atop Skinny Ass Legs
You can’t ever go wrong with a big butt. Well, you can which is why I’m writing this in the first place. Back in the day, boobs were the body parts of choice for enhancements and only the snow princesses were privy to them. But thanks to the “Player’s Club”, Magic City in Atlanta and every stripper look-alike who chilled on 7 Mile -asses are the new thing. Big asses come a dime a dozen among da blacks but a regular big ass is no longer good enough. New niggas and their “wigger” counterparts (see the Kardashians, Nikki Baby, and Angel Brinks) have settled for the “Big Mama Church Booty” with an appropriately laughable ass to thigh ratio. Their doctors should be banned for asymmetric malpractice.
Ladies, if you are thinking about getting this procedure done, heed my warning. And fellas, “Never trust a big butt with scrawny legs. That girl is…. POISON.”.
4. The “I’m Gonna Live My Dreams Off Of Your Dime But Don’t Shame Me” Ass Niggas
Once upon a time… people went to college, worked everyday and saved their hard earned dollars to do the things they wanted to do in life. They took care of their families even though they may have struggled sometimes but they handled their business.
However, millennials (aka “da new niggas”) with advance degrees in biochemistry and nuclear physics have decided that they would rather partake in a therapeutic retreat with dolphins at the Constance Moofushi in The Maldives (Senior Villa of course) for three weeks because life is so damn difficult than to go to work at unrewarding ass jobs like normal adults. So for the low,low price of $62,500 which consists of $40k for the accommodations, $2500 for the roundtrip flight, and $20k spending money, we can help a new nigga’s dream come true.
Enter- GoFundMe. Wanderlusting on everybody else’s lil money while new nigga’s live it up is the latest hustle. I mean “hustle” in the most respectful way possible. Not really. But tugging at the heartstrings of sappy do-gooders is wack as hell. God forbid someone with sense calls out this fuckery and it becomes, “You’re generation-shaming me!”
As if there IS such a thing. * cue the whiny harmonies to the chorus of Justin Timberlake’s “Cry Me A River”*
Oh and GoFundMe is also used to fund new niggas’ deposits including first and last months rent with furniture for every room for their new cribs while they live with their spouses and children at their mama’s and nem’s house rent free. I forgot about the dog. Yes, bih. FIDO. And the wife works while the husband “looks” for the “perfect job” while turning down great positions but he won’t go apply for food stamps because “that’s embarrassing”.
Apparently asking for donations because you refuse to adult properly is NOT. Got it.
3. Everybody’s Got Bundles
Hold the Remy or Remi. I know one is a drink, one is a rapper and the other a hair type for weave. I get them confused. Never mind. Everybody and their sister sells hair now. Did the Koreans just give it up because their beauty supplies were overrun with negresses wanting Polynesian, Malaysian, Peruvian (why the Peruvians and not the Mexicans? I’m telling Trump), Moroccan and Brazilian hair? Gone are the days of just going to buy some yaky for $19.99. You need COINS for this hurr, hunty. 3 bundles for $862.87 and it will last until Little T’jazhanay’s (pronounced Jaz-a-NAY) junior prom and she is 2 now. Longevity, my nigga. Longevity.
And new niggas buy it from Instagram but you have to go pick it up from Deandrianiaqua’s (pronounced De-ANN-drika) grandma’s house because that’s where she keeps all her hair. Her apartment is too small. And she only goes by there on Thursdays from 1-2 pm. So you have to leave work early to pick it up. Don’t forget to text her cousin, “Lotto” before you get there so he can put the dogs away and mention “FREE MY NIGGA D!” for an extra 10% off. There’s also a nail salon in the back because new niggas hustle and grandma is in the back sleeping from drinking coconut Ciroc with the random bad bitches that came through.
This is a true story btw but the names have been changed to protect the not so innocent.
2. El Debarge Called And He Wants His Hair Back
An A.P.B. has been issued on Chris Brown, Jidenna (with his fine ass), Yung Joc, Jaheim (an old nigga with new nigga tendencies and a receding hairline) and Miguel. El Debarge called and he wants his slick ass hair back. He said that only new niggas use pomade, a bad ass edge control or Optimum. El just adds water.
He also said light skinned brothers were coming back. Don’t hold your breath.
1. When Did Ugly Rappers Became The New Cute?
There’s a batch of fugly ass rappers walking these here streets. I’m talking “Little Wayne showing his real teeth ugly” and women WANT them. What part of the game is this? I’m a gambling woman but I would NEVER take my chances fucking around with genetics. That’s just unspeakable. Young Thug, Kodak Black, Lil Yachty and the rest of the facially-challenged new nigga rappers have faces even their mothers don’t want to love. No shade. I’m sure they smell good.
Hearing my only child tell me that Young Thug looks nice when he’s put together broke my heart. Do I need to change the prescription in her glasses? The hell. She, then, proceeded to say that Lil Yachty would be decent if his hair didn’t look like Flamin’ Hot Cheetohs. I was thinking more like Takis but those are semantics.
Does my child have new nigga eyes? HOEMAHGAWD. She isn’t dating yet but if she requires so little in the looks department, my grandbabies will be FUCKED.
Why can’t she crush on Diggy Simmons or Lil Bow Wow like normal teenaged girls do?
He might be, “from every continent in Africa except for one and I’m also from every continent in Europe except for one” but Shad is still easy on the eyes.
Needless to say old heads, we have work to do if we want to understand the inner workings of new niggadom. What made sense for us then just feels like we are all struggling now.
In the infamous words of Danny Glover in “Lethal Weapon”… “I’m too old for this shit!”