Fuckboy Chronicles: Wedding Of Her Dreams

Fuckboy wedding

Happy Friday, family! Love is in the air and folks are getting married. Who doesn’t love a fantastic wedding, right?

There is an epidemic that’s spreading like the collection plate at church on first Sunday.

*in my Whodini voice* “Fuckboy…. how many of us know one?”

In my old age, my patience has gone the way of the dodo. That shit is non-existent. I am seeing an increasing trend among sisters even though a group of anti-fuck nigga ladies are holding it down for the squad. I see you!

If you saw my video on Facebook and/or Instagram, you will know that I published a video about a new feature to the blog on Fridays called “Fuckboy Chronicles”.

I am fairly active on social media. I share stories and antecdotes so it’s really nothing for me to see something online, comment and keep it moving. However, I came across this ditty and I HAD TO WRITE ABOUT IT. If I didn’t, I know that I would have spontaneously combusted. It’s so much foolishness wrapped in mushy, shitty desperation. This is the Oppenheimer Blue Diamond of fuckboy gems.

Darnell Keys wants to marry the love of his life, Kimberly Horn. OMG! That is awesome. These are the fairy tales which sisters love to hear. They met as kids. Fell in love. He fucked up. She left. They moved on. Twenty years later, they find one another again. Darnell decides that he will NEVER let her go and asks for her hand in marriage. Because GAWD. Awwwwwwwww. *insert heart emojis* That’s sweet, right?

So what could make this dude a topic of discussion for “Fuckboy Chronicles” you ask?

wedding fuckery

THIS trifling kneegrow had the AU-DAMN-DACITY to ask the good hard-working brethren and sistren in this here land to fund his beloved’s wedding of her dreams. For why? This is his quote straight from his ashy ass gofundme campaign.

“Now (20 years later) is my chance to show the world how much I have learned and give Kimberly what she deserves. Our engagement party was like no other. Although the devil was working full time, he couldn’t stop my destiny. She said YES, now we are planning our wedding.

I want to give her a dream wedding. In this world there are Givers and Takers. Kimberly is a Giver! She denies herself for other people naturally. Now it is time to GIVE back to her.
After much research, we’ve found wedding are very very very very very very very EXPENSIVE!
I NEED YOUR HELP! PLEASE help me by donating to our wedding. It is Good Ground! No matter how large or small, every little bit helps. God will provide at any rate but I know the calling on our lives together is great. It is for the Kingdom of God.”

NO. Just no. And for the record, the devil was working full-time. What the hell was this nigga doing while the devil was working? Sir, YOU don’t want to give her shit. YOU want US to do it. Good damn day!

So after “20 years of learning”, you’ve not learned about credit, loans, saving money or finding another job to finance your fiance’s fairytale wedding? Because it’s very(x7) expensive? And what dollar amount warrants all those very’s? Who’s marrying y’all? The Pope? Jesse Jackson? Hell, Jermaine Jackson? I have questions and they need answers. You, flippantly, speak of giving to her. What’s your contribution to this joint? I guess you’re bringing the paper plates and pop. Nigga please.

Kimberly, if you are reading this- God told me to tell you, “RUN”. He was out of your life for a reason not a season. Any man who will swallow his balls (cuz pride be damned) to beg strangers to fund something which you deserve in the name of our Lordt forfeits the privilege of being your husband. YOU deserve better. You should want better.

Can I get an “Amen”?

Amen.

Thank you, congregation.  

I want the best for you. Unfortunately, Darnell does not.

I hope you open your eyes and see what’s to come for your life. It won’t be much.

People are donating and offering words of encouragement as black folks often do. However, my sisters came through with that good word in the comment section.

Y’all should check it out! HA!

K.

 

 

 

K. Araújo, a native Detroiter, is a cross between Claire Huxtable, Rosie Pérez and Millie Jackson. Widow, professional dragger of filth and Mami to the dopest Ethiopian EVER, she is the Editor in Chief of “Negra With Tumbao” and a Staff Writer for “The Urban Twist”. Keka has been known to shake what her mama gave her, is the hell and high water, an expert salsera and cussologist and is and forever shall be- unapologetically black.

  • Toretta

    Lazy trifling good for absolutely nothing bum!! I would be so embarrassed if this was my future husband

  • E_Deshon

    I’m so over folks and these gofundme campaigns. If you don’t have money to fund your dream wedding or attend your dream concert you may need to adjust your dream to match your fiancial reality. That sounds terrible i know, but seriously the marriage is more important than the wedding focus on that.

  • FeroZucks

    Just found your blog. Fantastic! GoFundMe is a hot mess of people asking for shit they need theirs assess kicked for requesting. People who contribute to this nonsense deserve to have their credit card numbers stolen by someone in Slovenia named Uri.

    • hahaha I legit cackled! But where’s the lie?

    • Mary Burrell

      LOL!

  • Mary Burrell

    Wow, he has got some nerve to ask strangers to finance his nuptials as my late mother would say he’s got the balls of a brass monkey.