The Bougie Black Girl’s Guide To Cooking

Hello friends. I have just discovered that I’m a bougie (bourgeois for my educated fam) black girl as it relates to cooking. Food has been a major topic in these Facebook streets as of late.

I won’t even touch on the salt vs. sugar debate for grits. Y’all have worn that out. However, I have some major culinary concerns after reading several black women’s posts on my homegirl’s page last night about what goes in what and how certain foods are prepared.

I mean, “What the ENTIRE fuck are y’all doing in y’alls kitchens?”

Let’s just say that I understand why I have a phobia of eating in most other people’s houses. With the exception of a few friends-I, ONLY, eat from my mami, tias, sister-in-law  and sister’s house.

Fuck it. I’m a food snob and I’m judging all of your asses. There are more than a few no-no’s that will get you clean cussed out if you attempt to serve me any of these items on your homemade struggle plates.

No bougie black girl would eat this monstrosity.
No bougie black girl would eat this monstrosity.

5. Spaghetti 

You’d think some things are a given in life. Like spaghetti shouldn’t be mixed until you are ready to eat it. Al dente, muthafucka. There’s no way that the meat sauce and the noodles should EVER touch in a pot and definitely don’t go putting some fucking “sliced cheese” on top like you just finished a round of “Chopped” and you slam your apron on the floor like you killed some shit. I don’t even HAVE to mention that sauce in a jar or a can is a major violation. Nobody wants that shit. Not even your HONGREY (hungry in da hood) ass kids and if they do, it’s because they don’t know any better.

4.Fried Chicken With Feathers Still Attached

N-A-S-T-Y ass heffa. I know that you don’t expect my bougie ass to eat your dirty ass chicken that you didn’t even bother to thoroughly pluck. You didn’t even run cold water over it. No ma’am. I can see the feather through the breading. I don’t care if it was fried in 5000 degreed oil and prayed over by Sister Sharon, who speaks in tongues, at the Pentecostal  COGIC Southern Baptist Tabernacle Bread of Life Lamb of God Church of Mt. Zion…. I ain’t fuckin’ widdit.

*In my Big Sean voice* “I don’t fuck witchuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!”

I know that you are the type to leave the shitty string in shrimp and fry it too. You can’t be trusted, homie. I quit you and life.

Bougie black girl
Avena or rice? Bougie girls wouldn’t be caught dead eating this.

3. Mushy Ass Arroz a.k.a Avena o Farina

We’ve all eaten it. Well, I haven’t but you get my drift. Mushy, sticky bland ass arroz. Arréglalo, Azabache Jesus (Grácias a mi hermana Sili for that gem) porque no puedo comer esa mierda. It’s against everything that is good and holy in the world. No me importa si my stomach is growling “We Are The World” in A flat. If I wanted avena, which I detest by the way,  with my chuletas y ensalada de aguacate- I would make it. Corte el maldito agua! Oíste? You can’t volunteer that sorry ass arroz con gandules with that slimy rice for Nochebuena or the family reunion and be mad when NOBODY touches it even AFTER the to-go plates and tupperware dishes are filled with food to carry to the crib. I need to do a trabajo to get my mind right. Where’s my damn agua de Florida and cascarilla?

Bougie First Lady ain't checking for those greens either.
Bougie First Lady ain’t checking for those greens either.

2. Fuck Outta Here With Those Gritty, Sugary Ass Collard Greens … And who the hell adds sugar to greens?

Laaaaaaaawd, Laaaaaawd, Laaaaaaawd! If you are serving your collard greens without soaking them in some kind of water, we can’t be friends. I have some big teeth but i don’t need your greens reshaping my shit from all that grit and dirt which you failed to wash off before you cooked them. Your pot liquor is more like muddy water with worms and beetles at the bottom of the pot. I can’t do it, boo! And don’t add insult to injury by putting sugar on them. Vegetables shouldn’t be SWEET, hunty.

Fucking gag me with a spoon!

FYI… you don’t have to add the entire pig’s ass to the them either. This isn’t kettle corn. Greens shouldn’t be a sweet/salty combination.  Get your life right. Who is teaching you savages your cooking skills? Captain Caveman?

I do have a story about my husband’s niece calling herself making collard greens and seasoning them with turkey sausages. Talmbout.. it gives the greens a smoky flavor.

Yep, breakfast sausages. Naw, I’m good.

 

Bougie girls don't eat hamburgers without buns.
Bougie girls don’t eat hamburgers without buns.

1. Hamburgers and hot dogs should NOT be used with the same bread used to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. WonderBread is NOT an all-purpose bread. Stop It! 

A surefire way to make me LEAVE your humble abode is offering me sandwich bread for my burger. No. Nein. Nee. Ko Si. Nej.

My mama wasn’t bout dat life.  Buns were a necessity in our crib. I CAN’T.  Not I won’t. I, literally, can’t eat a hamburger UNLESS it’s on a bun. If loving buns is wrong, I don’t want to be right. Fuck your feelings.

My sister married one of the nicest men who I’ve ever known. Before their marriage, I went to visit them at their apartment and she was making burgers for dinner. She began to fix the plates and reached for the bread.

That conversation  went like this:

Me: “Uuuuum… what are you doing?” *looking bewildered*

Sis: “Making the burgers.”

Me: *still confused* “..but what is that? Where are the buns?”

Sis: *flatly replying* “There are no buns.”

Me: “I’m not eating a hamburger on no fucking bread!”

Sis: “So don’t fucking eat!”

Where the fuck did her home training go? We were not raised this way. This can’t be life. This can’t be MY life. What am I gonna do?

You can’t be bougie walking around eating cooked meat on soggy ass bread.

This isn’t how this works. This isn’t how ANY of this works, man. Fortunately, my crew knows what I find acceptable and they feed me accordingly.

K.

 

 

 

 

K. Araújo, a native Detroiter, is a cross between Claire Huxtable, Rosie Pérez and Millie Jackson. Widow, professional dragger of filth and Mami to the dopest Ethiopian EVER, she is the Editor in Chief of “Negra With Tumbao” and a Staff Writer for “The Urban Twist”. Keka has been known to shake what her mama gave her, is the hell and high water, an expert salsera and cussologist and is and forever shall be- unapologetically black.

  • My brother has had his Dominican card confiscated until further notice for his lack of being able to make rice in the caldero. Sir! How much water? How much rice? If the water is boiling and you put the rice in and put a spoon in the middle, does it stand up a bit? THAT’S how much water needs to go in. If it’s too much, take some out. Dique measurements. No. Sir. It’s in your DNA.

    I will not touch the spaghetti comment because…#Dominican and #beachtripswithcalederosfullofspaghetti

    It was good doe. Although I cook pasta all fancy and shit, I can’t hate on that pot.

    • Spaghetti in the caldero is a sin against nature.

      And WAIT… shred passport and send him back until he can make a proper pot of Arroz blanco… We have reputations to protect!

  • I will immediately snatch your rss as I can not in finding your e-mail subscription link or
    newsletter service. Do you’ve any? Please let me recognize in order that I may subscribe.
    Thanks.

  • *Stands and starts slow clap*
    The only time I mix the spaghetti is if I am going to bake it or take it to work.
    And that wonder bread is a “no-no” pb&j or no. I feel so much of this in my spirit, but I will admit to not being able to cook rice in anything other than a rice cooker. I get the measurements right but still manage to burn it. We just didn’t grow up eating rice. We would fuck up some potatoes though. Speaking of…

    NO FUCKING KETCHUP OR SUGAR IN MASHED POTATOES. STOP IT.

    • Here’s the secret to perfect rice…EVERY TIME.

      Rinse the rice until the cold water is no longer cloudy. Then boil water.. 1 parts rice/1.5 parts water and cook high for about 5-7 mins….then simmer for 20-30 minutes..perfect every time.

      • Taylor McCadney

        You’re a real one for this

  • Maggie

    LMAO. Love your sense of humor and totally agree girl. ????????????????????????

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  • Kitty

    Who in the EBT hell put sliced cheese on top of spaghetti??????
    Bitch get Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese. That mess looks like something from the “cooking for Bae” how in the hell you have gritty collard greens? If you can’t wash and clean fresh greens stick to the canned greens and pretend you cooked it. I’m sorry I’m old school I was taught to cook and keep house. My son was working at white water here in Atlanta. The toilet stopped up and overflowed. They out so much bleach in their nobody could handle it but my son. His co workers asked how come that didn’t bother you? He said my mother is half Dominican and she gets up at the crack of dawn on Sunday morning blasting Spanish music and bleach is her best friend when it comes to cleaning the floors the bathroom and kitchen. You develop a tolerance for it.if we didn’t get up here comes the chanclca.

    • This took me out!!! Girl, A LOT OF FOLKS PUT SLICED CHEESE ON SPAGHETTI…I can’t see it. lmao